Today is the last day of the Oxford term. In a few hours I will be done with my last lecture, last night I turned in my last essay and a week from today I will have finished my final paper and be packing my big purple suitcases to come home. With only a week left of this study abroad experience I am starting to ask myself... have you learned your lesson? Its like I am a third grader waiting for their report card, hoping that I can bring home an A+ in growth, hoping for at least a B in independence, and not expecting much more than a C- in homesickness. Have I learned my lesson?
I had all these great expectations and hopes and promises to myself that I would grow this semester. That even though growing pains are just that, painful, I wasn't going to let them hold me back from coming home all grown up. The first few weeks I cut myself some slack, realizing that everything around me was new and that I was still homesick. Then I think I stopped caring quite so much. It got easier, I got comfortable, and the sleepless nights and tears were fewer and further in between. But then, as the semester started rushing to the end, I started thinking about grades, and wondered, would I have a good report to bring home with me?
And when I was two weeks away from being home... I cried on the phone with Aaron about being homesick. I couldn't sleep that night because that same question was rolling around in my head- have I learned my lesson? Wasn't this supposed to get easier? I was supposed to grow and be independent and come home all grown up and confident, so that people would look at me and say, 'wow, she really changed...' So that people would look at me...And that's when it hit me.
I am so afraid to be weak.
I am so afraid that if you look at me, you will see the cracks in the pottery, that the imperfections will be glaringly obvious, that I'll look weak.
But if I think I am fooling anyone, I'm crazy. Of course I'm not perfect. And no one but myself expects me to be.But I couldn't help but ask myself, wasn't there something more that you were supposed to learn? I want to come home and be able to answer the question, 'what did you learn?' with something more than, 'Ann Radcliffe was the first female Gothic novelist' or 'The oldest standing building in England is a Cathedral built in the 12th century'. I want to say that I learned something about myself and that I let God change me. So why I am still scared? Why do I still care so much what other people think of me? Why am I still so afraid of being weak? Haven't I learned my lesson... yet?
But just like a little kid who wants to be taller, you can't make yourself grow. I can't put a weight on my imperfections in the hopes that I will be taller in the morning. I can't make a check list of things I will be good at after living in Oxford and hope to check them off one by one. I cannot make myself something I am not. I am who I am, and if God made me short, then all the stretching isn't going to make me tall. But who said short isn't beautiful? If God made me a home-body, then all the separation in the world isn't going to stop me from missing my family, and counting down days and minutes and seconds until I see them again... But the homesickness that I am still trying to conquer will not hold me back. And who says that missing someone can't be sweet? That the very people I miss, can't be the strength that reminds me why I am here, rather than a weakness?
All I can do is live, and let God make me who I am supposed to be. He is the one who tells the little kid that he may never be six feet tall, but that doesn't mean he can't love basketball. I will have faults. I am imperfect, but that doesn't mean I can't continue to learn. There would be nothing to work towards if I had it all together. I am going to fall down, I am going to mess up, I am going to be weak, but that doesn't mean I won't get up, I won't keep walking, or that I stop trying to be the woman God is making me to be.
Have I learned my lesson?
The truth of the matter is, I have learned so much. I have grown in confidence, and goofy-ness, and even in my imperfections. I learned that I am not as put together as I think I am, that I don't have all the answers, that I am still afraid of so many things. And the funny thing is, that with a week left to go, I cannot actually put a finger on what that 'lesson' was supposed to be. It might be two, three, twenty years down the line when I look back and say, 'So, that's what I learned at Oxford!' It might be on the plane on the way home, it might be as I ride my bike down the hill in twenty minutes to go to my last Oxford lecture. I might have learned my lesson in week two and I just don't realize it yet. The important thing isn't that I learned my 'lesson' but that I learned. That I am still imperfect and still willing to grow. That I am still afraid of somethings and that I conquered others. That I come home in a week and don't stop asking and searching and seeking growth in the same way I did here in Oxford.
In Oxford, they don't give report cards, they don't even give grades on papers. You get notes in the margins that tell you what you did well and what you need to work on. That's what I am going to do with this semester. No grades. Just the acknowledgement that I did well in some things and that I will always, always, always, have something more to learn.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thankful for Fall
I am so so glad that I got to come to England in the Fall...
I 
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| Its like Narina! =) |
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| Enough sun for a sunset?! crazy. crazy beautiful! |
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Life of an Oxford Student... Charlie Brown Style.
Book Report from the musical "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown".
I think as Oxford scholars we in the house have all felt all of these things at one point or another over the term... Just for laughs =) Hope you enjoy!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Ladies Tea= Encouragement.
There is something here at Oxford called the fifth week blues. 5th week is kind of the hump week of the Oxford term, half-way through with the weeks of lectures but almost no end in sight to the mountain of papers still to write. This is the week when nervous breakdowns are common, confidence is at an all time low, and the light at the end of the tunnel is dim and hard to see.
As you can probably tell from my bleak description, I got hit bad by the 5th week blues. (As we are now going into 7th week you can probably also tell that it has taken me some time to process this Oxford phenomenon and that is why this post is so late... sincere apologies!)
So amidst the papers that had to be written, the books that needed to be read, the fact that it now gets dark before 5 o'clock and that I have now been two months without seeing my family, it is suffice to say that I was kind of a mess by the end of the week. Add on top of that, a discussion in our weekly Vocation and Scholarship lectures about graduate school and the future, reminding me that in the intellectual world, I am quite the odd duck, I was no longer sure what God was doing and why on earth I was here in Oxford.
Just to elaborate on this idea a little bit... As far as I can see into the future, I have no plans to go on to graduate school. I have a laundry list of reasons why, and if you want to hear them, I will take you to coffee when I get home so as not to bore the rest of my wonderful readers... I think for now it is enough to share that my dreams have never pointed towards a higher degree or even a professional lifestyle. That is not to say that I will not work after college, and I am very much hoping to find a job that I love and that I am passionate about. But I know that my calling, which I firmly believe to be from God, is to be a wife and someday to be a mom. To raise a family that will serve the Lord and bring Him glory. To create a home and a ministry of relationships alongside my husband and our family someday. And this is not a new dream, this has always been something that I greatly desire and feel like God has gifted me for. I am just so blessed to know that I am on the cusp of that, ready to begin that journey with an incredible man of God. And beyond that, there is a call on my heart to be in some form of relational ministry with other young women- I have no idea what that looks like yet, I just now that I have a heart for young women coming to understand that they are beautiful and loved and to find their worth in God. (total side note, I know, but I just wanted to throw it out there...)
Needless to say, being engaged, planning to be married and to start a family and a ministry, is kind of on an entirely different planet from Oxford. The discussion of my 'obligation' or 'calling' to attend graduate school sort of put me off of the academic world for a little while.. Not to say that I don't love being academic and having intellectual conversations, but I don't think I want to define myself as an Intellectual, because that is not all that I am. I want to be more than that. I love school, but it is not my life, and I definitely do not want to be a professional scholar.
With all of this building up, plus a paper still to be started that was due the next day equaled a breakdown for Lexi. On the phone with my momma, she reminded me not only that to her I am precious, but that I came here for something bigger than school. I knew when I started this trip that it was not about the academics. At least, not all about the academics. I love that I have the opportunity to read in these libraries and attend these lectures, but I was here to learn something more than 17th Century women's literature or the Modern and Post-Modern movements of poetry. I came here to learn something about myself.
Today I attended a ladies tea for the young adult group at the church we have been attending while here in Oxford. And like a precious little gift from God, I was reminded why I am here. I am here to seek God. I am in Oxford to seek God, I am in college to seek God, I am alive and here on this earth to seek God. That is my passion, my goal, the thing that consumes me. Amidst the tea, cakes and the sound of women praying for and with each other, I was reminded that God is doing something big in my heart, and that he is not done with me yet. Three weeks from this very moment I will be home. I will be with my family and my Aaron, in a city that I know, and a world that makes sense again. It would be so easy to coast to a stop these last three weeks. To hide in my room, write my papers and count down the seconds until I am home. And I am really tempted to do that. However, God is not finished with me yet. Three weeks are going to fly by, but that is a long time for God to continue to teach me to rely on Him, to have faith and know that I am strong and whole in Him. Three weeks is a long time to know that I have a lot to learn, and a lot to give, and there is still a lot to see here in Oxford! I am still visiting colleges and exploring this place that has become home. I am still growing friendships that will last a lifetime, learning skills that I will take with me the rest of my life. And doing things that I never thought I would be able to do. Three weeks is a long time for God to still work on this stubborn heart. So I am going to listen. I am going to seek God. And when I get home, it won't matter that the 5th week blues got me down, or that talk of graduate school made me cranky. What will matter is that I let God teach me something. That I learned to love Him more, and that I will take this journey with me in my heart for the rest of my life.
As you can probably tell from my bleak description, I got hit bad by the 5th week blues. (As we are now going into 7th week you can probably also tell that it has taken me some time to process this Oxford phenomenon and that is why this post is so late... sincere apologies!)
So amidst the papers that had to be written, the books that needed to be read, the fact that it now gets dark before 5 o'clock and that I have now been two months without seeing my family, it is suffice to say that I was kind of a mess by the end of the week. Add on top of that, a discussion in our weekly Vocation and Scholarship lectures about graduate school and the future, reminding me that in the intellectual world, I am quite the odd duck, I was no longer sure what God was doing and why on earth I was here in Oxford.
Just to elaborate on this idea a little bit... As far as I can see into the future, I have no plans to go on to graduate school. I have a laundry list of reasons why, and if you want to hear them, I will take you to coffee when I get home so as not to bore the rest of my wonderful readers... I think for now it is enough to share that my dreams have never pointed towards a higher degree or even a professional lifestyle. That is not to say that I will not work after college, and I am very much hoping to find a job that I love and that I am passionate about. But I know that my calling, which I firmly believe to be from God, is to be a wife and someday to be a mom. To raise a family that will serve the Lord and bring Him glory. To create a home and a ministry of relationships alongside my husband and our family someday. And this is not a new dream, this has always been something that I greatly desire and feel like God has gifted me for. I am just so blessed to know that I am on the cusp of that, ready to begin that journey with an incredible man of God. And beyond that, there is a call on my heart to be in some form of relational ministry with other young women- I have no idea what that looks like yet, I just now that I have a heart for young women coming to understand that they are beautiful and loved and to find their worth in God. (total side note, I know, but I just wanted to throw it out there...)
Needless to say, being engaged, planning to be married and to start a family and a ministry, is kind of on an entirely different planet from Oxford. The discussion of my 'obligation' or 'calling' to attend graduate school sort of put me off of the academic world for a little while.. Not to say that I don't love being academic and having intellectual conversations, but I don't think I want to define myself as an Intellectual, because that is not all that I am. I want to be more than that. I love school, but it is not my life, and I definitely do not want to be a professional scholar.
With all of this building up, plus a paper still to be started that was due the next day equaled a breakdown for Lexi. On the phone with my momma, she reminded me not only that to her I am precious, but that I came here for something bigger than school. I knew when I started this trip that it was not about the academics. At least, not all about the academics. I love that I have the opportunity to read in these libraries and attend these lectures, but I was here to learn something more than 17th Century women's literature or the Modern and Post-Modern movements of poetry. I came here to learn something about myself.
Today I attended a ladies tea for the young adult group at the church we have been attending while here in Oxford. And like a precious little gift from God, I was reminded why I am here. I am here to seek God. I am in Oxford to seek God, I am in college to seek God, I am alive and here on this earth to seek God. That is my passion, my goal, the thing that consumes me. Amidst the tea, cakes and the sound of women praying for and with each other, I was reminded that God is doing something big in my heart, and that he is not done with me yet. Three weeks from this very moment I will be home. I will be with my family and my Aaron, in a city that I know, and a world that makes sense again. It would be so easy to coast to a stop these last three weeks. To hide in my room, write my papers and count down the seconds until I am home. And I am really tempted to do that. However, God is not finished with me yet. Three weeks are going to fly by, but that is a long time for God to continue to teach me to rely on Him, to have faith and know that I am strong and whole in Him. Three weeks is a long time to know that I have a lot to learn, and a lot to give, and there is still a lot to see here in Oxford! I am still visiting colleges and exploring this place that has become home. I am still growing friendships that will last a lifetime, learning skills that I will take with me the rest of my life. And doing things that I never thought I would be able to do. Three weeks is a long time for God to still work on this stubborn heart. So I am going to listen. I am going to seek God. And when I get home, it won't matter that the 5th week blues got me down, or that talk of graduate school made me cranky. What will matter is that I let God teach me something. That I learned to love Him more, and that I will take this journey with me in my heart for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Taking the Waters of Bath
Last weekend, three of the lovely girls from my program and I took a train to the city of Bath to explore the Roman Baths, the Jane Austen Society house and the Fashion Museum. It was such a wonderful day off from reading, writing and libraries and for me it was so sweet to deepen the relationships that have started here in Oxford. I have met the most incredible young women here on this trip, friendships that will last for life, and the joy of spending a day exploring a beautiful city with such wonderful girls was a blessing to my heart. Here are a few of the things we saw and did =)
' Taking the waters' was a part of any visit to the Bath's during Victorian England. The water, which is high in minerals and vitamins, was thought to heal just about anything. Not to mention it was very fashionable to do so...
This was also a place where the rich and fabulous
had their summer homes, in the Circus, which are there houses here...
And in the Royal Crescent, which is at the very top of the hill over looking the rest of Bath. This is where the King's house was and where the wealthiest lived.
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| Bath, England |
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| The leaves are all changing- so beautiful! |
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| The Roman Baths |
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| Yucky water... |
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| The water is kind of warm, it is a hot spring after all. |
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| So, of course we had to try it! |
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| Doesn't smell too bad... |
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| Taste? |
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| Yep, gross. |
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| All in good fun though! |
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had their summer homes, in the Circus, which are there houses here...
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| View from the Royal Crescent |
The city had started to put up their Christmas decorations already, and while most of the lights weren't on yet, these ones were and we were just a little bit excited... We did lots of window shopping that day, and all the stores had Christmas stuff as well. It was so homey to see Christmas stuff in the windows. This is the first time I have been so far from home while thinking about the Christmas season and so for the first time I am looking forward to what it really means to come home for Christmas. Needless to say, I simply cannot wait to be home with my family, and the fact that I will be coming home during the Christmas season feels so cozy and wonderful. I can't wait! =)
Friday, October 21, 2011
This is what I get to study....!
On Thursday I went to my first Jane Austen lecture. Apart form it being the first lecture I had with the beautiful Emma Watson (ten points from Gryffindor for coming in late!!) we got to read the first story that Jane Austen wrote as a very young girl. It was so sweet and simply and silly I just had to share it with you. This was written for and about Jane's older sister Cassandra. This is what I love about Oxford, the chance to read things that I didn't even know existed! It is such a joy to be here in this environment, I am excited to see the other things that will come up in the next six weeks of classes!
So, enjoy!
Volume the First
A NOVEL IN TWELVE CHAPTERS
Dedicated by permission to Miss Austen.
Dedication:
Dedication:
MADAM
You are a Phoenix. Your taste is refined, your Sentiments are noble, & your Virtues innumerable. Your Person is lovely, your Figure, elegant, & your Form, magestic. Your Manners are polished, your Conversation is rational & your appearance singular. If, therefore, the following Tale will afford one moment's amusement to you, every wish will be gratified of
Your most obedient
humble servant
humble servant
THE AUTHOR
CHAPTER THE FIRST
CASSANDRA was the Daughter & the only Daughter of a celebrated Millener in Bond Street. Her father was of noble Birth, being the near relation of the Dutchess of ----'s Butler.
CHAPTER THE 2d
WHEN Cassandra had attained her 16th year, she was lovely & amiable, & chancing to fall in love with an elegant Bonnet her Mother had just compleated, bespoke by the Countess of ----, she placed it on her gentle Head & walked from her Mother's shop to make her Fortune.
CHAPTER THE 3d
THE first person she met, was the Viscount of ----, a young Man, no less celebrated for his Accomplishments & Virtues, than for his Elegance & Beauty. She curtseyed & walked on.
CHAPTER THE 4th
SHE then proceeded to a Pastry-cook's, where she devoured six ices, refused to pay for them, knocked down the Pastry Cook & walked away.
CHAPTER THE 5th
SHE next ascended a Hackney Coach & ordered it to Hampstead, where she was no sooner arrived than she ordered the Coachman to turn round & drive her back again.
CHAPTER THE 6th
BEING returned to the same spot of the same Street she had set out from, the Coachman demanded his Pay.
CHAPTER THE 7th
SHE searched her pockets over again & again; but every search was unsuccessfull. No money could she find. The man grew peremptory. She placed her bonnet on his head & ran away.
CHAPTER THE 8th
THRO' many a street she then proceeded & met in none the least Adventure, till on turning a Corner of Bloomsbury Square, she met Maria.
CHAPTER THE 9th
CASSANDRA started & Maria seemed surprised; they trembled, blushed, turned pale & passed each other in a mutual silence.
CHAPTER THE 10th
CASSANDRA was next accosted by her freind the Widow, who squeezing out her little Head thro' her less window, asked her how she did? Cassandra curtseyed & went on.
CHAPTER THE 11th
A QUARTER of a mile brought her to her paternal roof in Bond Street, from which she had now been absent nearly 7 hours.
CHAPTER THE 12th
SHE entered it & was pressed to her Mother's bosom by that worthy Woman. Cassandra smiled & whispered to herself "This is a day well spent."
Hee hee, isn't she funny. Sorry for the English nerdiness, hopefully you all got through it without being too bored...
Now that I actually have a class with her, there could be more Emma Watson spottings to come! Keep your eyes open! ;)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Rainy Day in London Town
This London weather is not loving me back...
So, I don't know if you can tell... but I am soaked! And yes that's a plastic bag wrapped around my poor laptop to keep it safe.
The day that I am home in the house with my book, a cup of tea and my pjs, it is a beautiful sunny day outside! But then today, in my cute little skirt and my tights... it pours down rain! I am freazing and have nothing more than a sweatshirt with me and my laptop in a cloth case. Ohh no.....
Luckily there was a sweet friend who let me borrow her rain coat and gave me that plastic bag for my laptop.
But then it got worse.... as soon as I got about half way home, the sun comes out. So in my sweatshirt and big coat, I have to climb the big old hill and I am sweating and panting all the way home.
Ohhhh goodness.... nothing a cup of tea and my Oxford sweatshirt can't fix.
The day that I am home in the house with my book, a cup of tea and my pjs, it is a beautiful sunny day outside! But then today, in my cute little skirt and my tights... it pours down rain! I am freazing and have nothing more than a sweatshirt with me and my laptop in a cloth case. Ohh no.....
Luckily there was a sweet friend who let me borrow her rain coat and gave me that plastic bag for my laptop.
But then it got worse.... as soon as I got about half way home, the sun comes out. So in my sweatshirt and big coat, I have to climb the big old hill and I am sweating and panting all the way home.
Ohhhh goodness.... nothing a cup of tea and my Oxford sweatshirt can't fix.
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